When I tell people I am a Death Doula, there are usually one of two responses: “That is such a calling!”, or, “I’ve heard of birth doulas… but what is a Death Doula?”.
Even after being immersed in this work for a few years now, I still struggle to “define” a death doula. I think death work is such a unique and personal calling that it’s possible for every death doula’s work to look different from any others.
In my world, I am a non-medical and non-judgmental support system for those dealing with the end of life, including their care team and loved ones. I provide you with tools to reduce confusion, promote self-advocacy, and reduce stress. A mediator for the tough conversations your loved ones might not be ready to have, another member of your care team that facilitates communication and your desires, an informative resource when you’re wondering what paperwork needs to be filled out when and by whom, someone to honor and be a part of your spiritual processing, and someone your family can lean on with questions and unfiltered grief once death has occurred. Other death doulas may offer a combination of these services, along with any other specialty they carry - For me, my other specialty is yoga, but I have met other doulas who are hospice nurses, professional organizers, Chaplains and Reiki practitioners. Their valuable life experience has shaped them into the unique doula they are now.
While some death doulas offer all the services I provide, or completely different ones, I think there is one essential element we all have in common - we are here to hear you.
To be present for you and listen to you - your concerns, your fears, your reliefs, your joys. Our ultimate goal is to hold space for you during what many have forgotten is a sacred and eventual time in all of our lives.
The conversation around death is often difficult for those surrounding it - they may get uncomfortable with such a candid conversation, or shut down altogether in denial. My goal, for as long as I’m in your corner, is to give you that valuable space to speak about your death candidly and openly. You never deserve to feel alone when you are navigating this time.
I can tell you what is not my job - pressuring you to believe or act a certain way when it comes to your own death. I’m not going to tell you it’s a beautiful transition when you think everything about it flat-out sucks. I’m not going to push you towards any type of treatment, or lack thereof, if you’re not fully on board. I will be a source of knowledge on your options and a bridge to let others know what your beliefs are - and I will be beside you if you need help expressing them. Not everyone is going to like or understand the choices you make surrounding your own death - and that’s okay. Just like every death doula is unique, so is every death. You deserve to have things the way you want them in the ways we can make happen.
Having a “good”, or “ideal” death may not always be possible with the situation we are confronted with. While I aim to bring peace and love to your life so that it is abundant in your death, you may be filled with rage and resentment towards it instead. That doesn’t mean I am hesitant to support you - it means you are human and you still deserve a place to process that pain. I don’t believe there is any “one” or “normal” way to feel about your own death. That is where you are the expert and I am the learner with open ears and an open heart.
I hope this clarifies a little bit about what a death doula is for you. If you still have questions or would like more information, please contact me and I would be happy to assist you.
